11:11

This is from MySpace, where I posted it the same night it happened. I was angry, ya'll. I am still angry, but also hurting all over as well. My boss sent me home a bit early today, because she said she could tell just looking at me that I was definitely none too comfortable. I feel stiff, and awkward and just... achy. It sucks. This whole situation is wreaking serious havoc on my emotions right now. I have so much to do tomorrow, including going to the police station after work so I can pick up this woman's insurance info (if she even has it). I went Saturday and they said they had nothing for me yet. What the hell? I'm just ready to burst into flames at this point. None of this is my fault and yet, my entire life is being turned upside down.

( long. and bitter. )

The (lately) ever present Casey sent me an email suggesting You should quit your job and this couldn't happen. Oh dear, how I would love to quit my job, sell my car and move out to Slackerland with him, alas, I probably can't. He's been bothering me for the better part of this year to do just that, but I always resist. Maybe I should've listened to him when he first brought this to my attention, things might be easier.

However... maybe I just need a different car. One that doesn't seem to have a sign on it visible only to bad drivers, begging Hit me, please. I'm tiny, shiny and bright red. Can you really resist beating the shit out of me? But I like my car. It's the first truly adult purchase I ever made, completely on my own. It's wholly mine and has never belonged to anyone else. It's only two years old and is just not built to fight like a man. Basically, it's Ralph Wigum. You can see my concern here.

Florida was great. Hot and humid, but still pretty great. We saw alligators and manatees in their natural habitat, and to city folk like us, that's akin to some sort of religious experience. We took lots of photos, which I posted on my Facebook last night (if you have Facebook, look me up & friend me: Denise Barkauskas).



The thing about vacations, is that despite the bickery, immature trap Jason and I usually fall into several times during our time away, we also get closer. I come home feeling like we've somehow caught up to one another, because our everyday life here is not always so conductive to closeness. We have our own friends and lives and though we talk on the phone everyday and see one another at least on weekends, we're very rarely together for any uninterrupted time. We used to live together, basically but not officially, and once we stopped that, things very quickly divided. Which can be good, of course, we're our own people and do not really need another person to live our lives, but it's also a hell of a lot less romantic and, well, couple-y. We seem like friends, very often. Maybe that's good too, but being reminded every once in awhile that we are a lot more than plain ol buddies is a good thing as well.



Yesterday, one of my friends asked how my trip was, and then added "Wait! Let me see your left hand!" Everyone seemed to believe this trip was a devious device Jason was using in order to plan a surprise engagement. They are very fiercely against my getting engaged, probably because most of my friends are just not into domestic complacency, and don't think I'm in the right mindset or place in my life for it either. And I agree. I've done it before, at nineteen years old, and it made me realize I may not be ready for that level of commitment for a long while, it's simply not something I can choose to do without years and years and years of thought. But I didn't really think it was an engagement vacation, so I didn't worry. I laughed, I was amused, and I waggled my thankfully-bare hand at my friend.



Lately I do feel like I'm changing my way of thinking when it comes to relationships and real life. I'm trying to let go of people and ideas that are obviously not helping my maturity any. I just read their random emails & even more random text messages and smile. I always miss them, I enjoy knowing they still think of me, but it is what it is. And I'm just dong my best to walk past and not keep interrupting my real life for romanticized bullshit anymore. I'll do my best with what I have, and if it works, hey, awesome. And if it doesn't, okay, I'll get through. I like knowing I won't die or cease to exist if something derails, and I think that's good enough for right now. I can put forth some effort again and see what happens.



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Work is also going well. I like my new position, and I like that I have more responsibility. Christmas is coming soon, and our holiday promotions begin next week. You know... red cups, gingerbread lattes, cranberry bliss bars & Christmas Blend coffee (which is really really good this year, it tastes almost like almonds). I like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I always find that my most vivid (and happiest) work memories take place during November & December. Everything is more interesting, more dramatic, and more magical. I'm so happy these two months are finally here again.

FACT: I'm pretty lazy sometimes. Especially with Livejournal, it seems. So I wrote this hours & hours ago on MySpace, and then decided to copy & paste it here so all you (big losers) who don't have MySpace can still read & enjoy the document of my blatant stupidity. Don't lie, you know how much you wanted to read this.

Ps. I am finished packing now, I did it right after I got home from work. Better yet, I unexpectedly came across my silver sequined espadrilles. You know, Ft. Lauderdale just seems like a really good place to wear 'em.


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I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow and so far, this is how much packing I've got done: NONE. I've only begun to have the most nebulous thoughts about the subject, in fact. I hought, "should I MAYBE try to do something about this situation soon? or should I wait until ten minutes before I need to leave for the airport? yeah, ten minutes is good." But seriously, this is bad. I'm going to work soon, and although it's a ridiculously short four hour shift, 9pm will give me a half hour to race around the mall and maybe buy a couple ugly shirts that're more Florida-weather appropriate. Sure, they'll be summer clearance and eye meltingly unflattering, but they're not sweaters or hoodies and that's just fine. I will wear awesome pants and skirts and make do looking half fashionable. I should also buy a couple books, so I have something to do on the plane, other than pick fights with Jason. On vacation, we tend to take several steps back maturity-wise, and will bicker like a couple of smartmouth kids unless something can hold our attention long enough to quell any bloodthirsty urges. And I don't really think a half hour will give me enough time to do all this, but I'll try. Because this is what I get for waiting until the VERY LAST MINUTE.



We get back Tuesday night, and then I have to be at work at 7am to open on Halloween. which reminds me, sometime after we get back, I'll need to go out and find some sort of Halloween costume so I don't look like the big grumpy spoilsport at work. I had grand plans a couple weeks ago, but now some cat ears and painted on whiskers are looking mighty good. Holiday cheer is not my strong point, because I am far too dedicated to a life of procrastination, and the two don't really go together. I'd honestly enjoy wearing my pajamas to work, so maybe I can go as a 'Chichester teenager' and rock some pajama bottoms and a tshirt. And messy hair and possibly even bedroom slippers. That sounds pretty sweet.



I'll take lots of pictures this weekend, we'll be going to Key West and the Everglades, that kind of thing. I hate humidity and heat, but I can never pass up some time out of Pennsylvania. The cold, wet weather we're currently having isn't exactly hard to leave, either.

I went to the Phillies games yesterday afternoon with my (now former) boss and another one of my friends from LP Starbucks. The Phillies lost, those poor bastards, but what else can you expect from a Philadelphia team? Get in the playoffs and then inevitably choke. But it was fun, I'm glad I'm still friends with all my old coworkers. I'll be covering a couple shifts back there in a couple weeks, too, which will be nice. I miss that tiny little store, it's so different from the one I work in now.

I have a cold. Goddamn. It's way too early in the season for this kind of nonsense.

In The Alchemist, there's a reason given to explain why people don't always follow their hearts and do what they believe will make them happiest... because we're afraid of disappointment, and sometimes it's easier to convince yourself of your own disinterest than to give in to your heart. Emotion is very rarely practical, and there's certainly a much larger margin for failure. Those are not good odds, no matter the prize. Sometimes, it's difficult to excel in apathy... but so is trying and still not getting out alive, heart intact. However, self preservation is not always a conscious effort on your part:

"We, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won't be heard: we don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts."

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

"Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."

Sad but true. Though, I suppose I have followed my reckless, thoughtless heart quite a few times in the recent past. As for the outcome... who knows. Would I follow it again? For the right reason... person... maybe.

Probably.

Britney Spears is ridiculous. Sometimes, she's so ridiculous that it honestly just pisses me off, because how can someone live in their own little world so much that they leave the house NOT WEARING PANTS? On a regular basis? Why doesn't anyone who works for her find a gentle way of suggesting some pants? Or a skirt? Anything. I do not get it, and it makes my head ache.


( looka here! may burn your eyes though. )


Oh Britney! Pants are your friend! After two babies, your body is not exactly BFF with anything that short. And what about the hat? AND THE BOOTS. Oh my god does she really always wear those ugly boots with everything?!

I just copied this from a bulletin I posted on MySpace... because I'm lazy...



I finished The Deathly Hallows a few hours ago... WOW. Jason asked me "ooh are you gonna cry?" when I was telling him about the last chapter... MAYBE. The Prince's Tale certainly got me pretty close to tears. It was a really good book, and a great ending for the series. I hope the next two movies do it justice.

I'm working at 8am tomorrow... goddamn is it seriously almost 11pm Sunday already? I feel like I was just at Borders, braving the crazy crowd with my blue wristband and looking in awe at the dude dressed as a werewolf... with a FURRY FACE and all. This weekend was way too fast, all the Harry Potter Drama making it one big blur. I have some serious "bank issues" tomorrow to deal with too... ew. Imma be paying some crazy fees unless I can work some magic, and that makes me sad. Goddamn real world! I need an Elder Wand too.


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I don't know how many of you have even heard of Tegan and Sara, but they are amazing & wonderful and have been for years and years now. MySpace is showing some love and you can listen to their entire new album, The Con.

I've been listening to them for a very long time now, and I recommend ANYTHING by them, but especially their earlier work, like This Business of Art and Under Feet Like Ours. They're twin sisters and can write songs like WHAT, so go listen to the new album and be a-m-a-z-e-d.

I think I'll see Order of the Phoenix this weekend, because I am far too tired to do so tonight. I'm also alone tonight, and Harry Potter just doesn't strike me as being much fun if you go solo on opening night. I'm re-reading The Half-Blood Prince as well, cause my dorky ass will most certainly be waiting for my copy of The Deathly Hallows July 21st, at midnight. Yes I am going out for it, ALONE though, because my friends all suck and don't GET why this book HAS TO BE BOUGHT as soon as it can be. I was working at Borders for book 6, and I wish I was this time too. I planned to, and the manager at the Borders I worked in for the holidays last year said he'd be happy to have me back, but then I found out my transfer at Starbucks is a done deal, and that threw me off.

I'm moving to a location opening closer to me, which means no more soul sucking highway commute, but oh my god. I'm going to miss my wonderful co-workers so much! They're all saying how sad they are, how they'll miss me and how weird it'll be not working with me anymore. I know! I'll probably still cover shifts there sometimes if someone needs me to, and I know I'll keep in touch with several people, but argh. I didn't really want to transfer, it was only a maybe, but the new store needs supervisors, and that's what I'll be. I know it'll be easier to adjust to my promotion with a bunch of strangers, when everyone's getting their footing, but I can't help but feel a little bummed. Sigh.

You know what's strange? When someone - whose name begins with "c" and ends with "y" ... GUESS WHO - you think is more or less oblivious to you unless you are actually in the same room, when this person is not so unaware, because they do the oddest things that you never hear about unless someone tells you. Someone says You know, he has pictures of you on his Facebook... What? I remember the pictures in question, when she described them, but I had no idea he thought enough of them to post anywhere, they were so silly and random and kinda dopey. Even I don't have them. And well, I guess I miss him sometimes, which infuriates me. But at least I know he isn't exactly saying Denise who? just yet, either. But still, if he's not going to keep in touch when he's off wandering the country, he needs to just stop this undercover stuff. Seriously.

I just wrote a really long letter that I will most likely never give to the person I wrote it for. I'm almost tempted now to burn it, because having it in my possession makes me feel sad. It's a sad letter, but maybe necessary. I hate feeling like this, the uncertainty fucks with my mind like nothing else. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm going slowly crazy, with thoughts that seem pretty fucking divorced from reality if I try to look at them with unbiased eyes. I come to conclusions that only have legs if I search everything for clues, right down to the tone of someone's voice or the way they lay next to me in bed. I shake words and actions upside down for every possible hidden agenda, and doubtlessly I can find one, no matter how flimsy. But I'm also a hypocrite, and this is depressing even further. What am I doing to make things better? Really? Showing up and putting on a half-assed performance, hoping it'll be believable enough? Wouldn't it be easier NOT to show up in that case? But I tried that already, and it definitely didn't work. Jesus Christ! I would've become a nun if I'd known this shit was awaiting me, or maybe gotten into some weepy emo songwriting.

How do you fix something when you don't have the slightest clue as to what's actually wrong with it? Or, more importantly, how can you be completely sure that there is something wrong to begin with?

Just, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? The harder I try to get a grip on it, the less I understand it. I don't even know where to start... but after almost three years, that is an especially hurtful way to feel. Maybe because I already know his answer, and I don't believe it for a second. I just need to know. Anything, everything, something. We talked on the phone for an hour tonight - about the stupidest most trivial things - and towards the middle of it I realized something with a blinding clarity: I had absolutely no idea who I was speaking to, who I was, or even what the fuck was really being said. Two strangers, certainly not the same two people who met in 2004 and fell in love with such an intensely bright spark that it had to be right, that they were one another's The One, and there were simply no questions about it. But, this conversation, it was so cruel and cold and impossible to take at face value. We talked about looking up toys on Ebay that we'd had as kids... then about video games... and then about a million other insignificant things... and I felt my heart ache the entire time, because we were both scarcely disguising our mutual dislike of one another and it was horribly obvious. How can two people talk about childhood toys and still make it feel like a knife in the heart? It just feels terminal, waiting time until it's over. We can't even make the effort to discuss what's really wrong, because we already know it's hopeless.

This uncertainty. I just can't. But I don't know.

Well, there's this other boy too. I met him back in 2005 when we worked together at Borders, and then ran into him a few weeks ago while I was at the mall, killing time while waiting for my salon appointment. I hadn't seen him for over a year, but I remember he was the shy, cute boy back then, who was also in a band. I worked in the cafe and usually only saw him when he came by in the morning to buy breakfast, or if we passed each other in the breakroom on our respective lunch breaks. He was such a nice guy, although I knew he had a girlfriend. I was with Jason, of course, and still a little entangled with another guy who worked there. Well, flash forward to now, and we don't work together and he doesn't have a girlfriend. We also talk a whole lot more, usually so overtly flirtatious it's almost sickening. He's not in the band anymore either, he's singing/songwriting on his own, and is pretty good, too. He's the hot heartbroken emo boy, which is probably a deadly combo. I'm still with Jason, although our relationship has cooled considerably into more of a friendship with some kissing. The confusing Other Man is already Casey, who is currently at some hippiefest down south. What do I need with another guy, one who's here all the time and so incredibly charming I find it impossible not to smile when I think about him? He's a complete smartass too, something he didn't really show back in '05. Show me a cute guy who's not only a total sweetheart, but who can sing like whoa AND quote Zoolander, and I will be powerless against his charms.

You guys. Why are my ex-coworkers such an irresistible lot? Why do I always end up with their numbers in my cellphone? And with the potential for my clothes on their bedroom floor? Like Christine said, my brains say "no", but my pants say "off". Seriously, it's getting ridiculous.

Any and all indifference I may feel toward him always becomes nonexistent once he has his arms around me. Every single time. He's leaving again soon, this was just a quick visit, and I honestly wish I could've just missed seeing him altogether. There's something about the way he looks at me, I don't know. I haven't seen or talked to him since that morning back in April, when I drove him to the airport. And still, we can pick up that same familiar, teasing way we have when we do speak. Whenever I feel like I've stopped missing him, he comes around. He sucks, you guys.

Imma get my hurr cut today, I have an appointment at 3:30. It's at that awkward length, and I want a couple inches off. I just really need to make known what I WANT and what I DO NOT WANT --- I don't want to end up looking like the Little Dutch Boy. It has happened, to myself and people I've known. Bobs can be tricky lil bastards.

I think I may go see Knocked Up afterwards, because my bedroom is un-air conditioned and it's miserably hot right now. Jason's got his mom's bday party, I gotta entertain myself for the night. He wants to see it too, but oh boo hoo. I'm totally unimaginative and movies are basically all I can think of to keep me busy. I'm poor, a haircut & a movie ticket is pretty much my limit today.

I'll post a pic of the aftermath of my salon trip later on... unless I'm crying too hard to hold the camera still.

9:25pm: I love my new haircut and the movie was pretty hilarious as well. God, shrooms... I only did 'em whilst at home and I freaked out, I can only imagine my hallucinatory terror had I been in Vegas. But also, the chair scene in the Vegas hotel room was funny and it actually made me think a bit, when Pete says how awful he must be for being pissed off that his wife likes him - loves him - so much that she wants him to be around her all the time. And I thought, wow. Haven't I always played the you're-smothering-me card with every single boyfriend I've ever had? How can you really be ungrateful to have someone in your life who enjoys you enough to want you around them constantly? Also: Paul Rudd is still adorable. Over a decade after Clueless, who knew he'd still be rockin' that cute baby face?

We went to see PotC 3: At World's End last night, and oh, it was so incredibly confusing. And LONG. Besides the two hundred different plotlines going on, what was up with the Will/Elizabeth thing towards the end? Didn't they spend most of this movie and last movie pretty much not talking and kinda not liking one another too much? What the hell? Besides, I hate Orlando Bloom. A LOT. I just wanted to poke my eyes out during the scene where he got to act like a prissypants sissy with the goddamn tea drinking and his goddamn smug face. Ew. But, despite my apparent anger issues, I did like it for the most part. Jason thought it was a waste of time, but I thought it was pretty entertaining at least.

It's more or less officially summer now, and at work, this means frappuccinos. And they are the Bane of Our Collective Existence. It's not really a coincidence none of us drink them ourselves, because they are most definitely what Satan himself serves in hell, and surely they're being made by all the Starbucks workers who happen to be spending eternity down there. FOREVER MAKING FRAPS. Yikes. They're all syrup and powdered coffee base and water and EVIL. I stick to drinking iced 1% unsweetened lattes so I will just wallow in my self righteousness for a minute here, but really, fraps are pretty awful when you see them in their broken down form and have to make 'em all day long. Trust me.

But... I have all weekend off. I worked Monday-Friday and am going to enjoy not doing a single thing this weekend. I'm a little obsessed with buying a used copy of Final Fantasy XII and FINALLY playing it, since Jase lost his copy awhile ago before I got a chance to do anything more than a couple hours. So I'm probably just gonna nerd it up and go buy my own.

I hate making doctor's appointments, because the office I usually go to is impossible to get ahold of, much like a bad boyfriend, and there's a lot of nervous waiting to see if they'll actually return my call, and if a few days goes by with no answer should I call again? Leave another message for them to get back to me? But oh my god maybe that's too desperate and needy and just plain weird, and if they really wanted to, wouldn't they listen to my first message and just CALL BACK right away and not play these stupid games with me? Argh. Seriously, I'll be making some sad mixtapes soon.

I gotta go to the doctor because of something embarrassing called My Unstable Emotions. I really hate admitting I can't handle myself on my own, but I'm pretty much ruining every relationship in my life because I've lost the ability to realize what feelings are real and founded and which are just my brain losing its shit and thus, have little to do with reality. It sucks. I hate talking about it, I just feel ashamed, especially when people I love get caught up in it, and I try to tell them I'm sorry, it's not you, I'm trying to get some help. I hear it in their voice, their exhaustion with me. I can't say I really blame them.

I have to do the evil wall change at work alone tonight, and while it'll allow me to slack off a little and hide out in the basement under the guise of looking for whatever random merch I need that's hiding in the boxes, it still kinda sucks. Everything is VERY specific and items need to be in EXACT spots there's always two thousand stupid tiny details that make everything really annoying and really SLOW.

Spider-Man 3 was really depressing. Goddamn, I say, goddamn depressing! What the hell was THAT about? Still, I liked it. Kirsten Dunst makes me angry though, she's on my list of celebrities I'd like to stuff into a rocket and send into space forever. Yikes, she's scary looking sometimes.

My friend/co-worker keeps telling me "Hey you should go talk to Pat..." I do not want to talk to Pat. Who? Let me refresh your memory. Apparently she had been at Borders a couple weeks ago and talked to him, about me, though specifically what about me, I do not know, but now she's on some campaign to bring us back together and seriously, it would require TIME TRAVEL for that to happen, maybe a memory eraser, because I strongly remember how much time I wasted on this kid back in 2005. Hells no! Right now, I do not give a damn about any guy, I'm not thinking or hoping or waiting for anyone, and that's just fine with me. It needs to stay this way for awhile, because it's been maybe a year or so since I was last so blessedly free of worry.

All my favorite people move away, because I guess Penn is just too lame for their level of awesomeness. Adam is the latest to jump ship, he's moving to St Louis on Tuesday. His brother and sister are both still here, so maybe he'll come back eventually. But still, I've known Adam for four years, beginning with when we briefly worked together & he was just the boy who wore cool clothes and would stop by to say hi whenever we both happened to be working. I've known him longer than anyone else in our group, including Jason. I'll miss him terribly, especially when there's cheap vodka to be drank and no one willing to do shot after shot with me. Wow, I always have someone new to miss. My friends really need to stop leaving.

Everything else, it's alright.

We all went out for drinks after work last night, and a (pretty drunk) married guy was hitting on me hardcore. Seriously, at least take the ring off first. Not my type anyway, I was amused rather than intrigued. At one point, he told me "Your blouse is sharp" and using words like blouse and sharp - especially in the same sentence - was like a red light for Uncool And Almost Middle Aged.

However, the shirt I was wearing was pretty amazing.

Tonight's my last day at Borders... you know I worked there for the holidays, and was talked into staying on Saturday nights. Well, the place is a hot mess and I can't deal with the lazy, dirty people who work during the day & leave all the cleaning and re-stocking and everything for me at night. Do your damn job! No one cares, and I feel like a tyrant when I try to change anything. I'm sure they all think of me as 'that Starbucks bitch' by now. Besides, working around coffee six days a week is making me pretty crazy. I'll miss the discount, but at least I'll have my sanity.

I took Casey to the airport this morning, he's probably back in New Orleans right now. After I gave him a hug and drove away, I admit, I felt so lonely. This is what I love most about him: talking to him is almost like talking to myself, if that makes sense. It's a surreal, giddy sense of connection that I rarely find in anyone, especially my guy friends. We can chat about anything and everything and the conversation bubbles, it just sparkles. He'll be back for another visit in a few months, but I already miss him.